Escape Procrastination — Step 1: Stop the suffering

I am a biiig procrastinator. It sucks the life out of me. My 8 hours day job takes no less than 16 hours, and is still not done. I’m always waiting for the weekend to finally catch up on work without work distractions. Weekends come and go, and my work is still waiting to be caught up.

24 hours are always too little time in a day. And as the years pass, it looks more and more like 365 days are just too few days in a year. I’ve thought of a million things I could do in life. And not started anything, a million times.

Some things that I eventually get done in 20 minutes I will have postponed for even 3 months. That is 3 months of headache, torture, stress, self-doubt, failure, anxiety, fear — all because I couldn’t sit down for 20 minutes and get done with that task. Really, this happens. 20 minutes of doing it would have been enough to save me from 3 months of agony from not doing it.

All the devastation left behind by my procrastination only fuels my procrastination more. Every day, the procrastination fire burns more fiercely than the previous day, ravaging through whatever ounce of will power I have remaining.

Why do I do this? Why do I inflict this suffering on myself? Why does every new task feel so daunting that I can’t even start it. And if I don’t start it, of course I won’t finish it.

While I am trapped in this convoluted ambush with no escape in sight, it looks like everyone else is doing just fine. They put in 8 hours of work every day, they read, make time for hobbies (they have hobbies in the first place), watch movies and shows (not that I wish I did that, but still), do side hustles, travel, etc. etc. Why do I never have time for any of this?

But one thing I’ve always failed to notice, or acknowledge, is that probably most other people, at least many other people, procrastinate too. Just because I don’t see it does not mean they don’t do it. If I was the only one, or part of tiny minority that does procrastinate, who would create all that content that comes up the moment you search for procrastination on Google?

I’m probably just being hard on myself. I’m probably not that worse from others. Maybe some of the others don’t start and finish tasks on time as well. Maybe some of the others also sometimes struggle with 20 minute tasks for 3 months. Maybe by being hard on myself, I’m only making my stress, self-doubt and fear increase. I know that procrastination is making me suffer. Maybe the suffering is also making me procrastinate. Maybe it’s a loop. And maybe that’s why I am trapped in it, unable to free myself no matter how many tasks I actually complete, how many productive days I actually have, or how many exceptional achievements I actually make.

Maybe the first step is not to figure out how not to procrastinate. Maybe the first step is to figure out how not to suffer. How not to tell me I’m wasting time. How not to feel like everybody else in my team, company or circle is doing awesome jobs while I push deadline after deadline. Understand that there is a bunch of other people that procrastinate as well. So it’s quite possible that many of my colleagues also procrastinate. Just because they look shimmery and shiny to me does not mean they are all gold (if the metal actually means anything at all).

So I think I should first acknowledge this. First acknowledge that I am not the worst. Acknowledge that I am putting myself through this fire of self-criticism for a no big deal reason. Acknowledge that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. And feel good about myself for once.

Then, we’ll think of step 2. At least, once I’m not agonized any more, I’ll be able to think.